Lazarus Saturday: My Rebirth:

"As God illumines all people equally with the light of the sun, so do those who desire to imitate God let shine an equal ray of love on all people. For wherever love disappears, hatred immediately appears in its place. And if God is love, then hatred is the devil. Therefore, as one who has love has God within himself, so he who has hatred within himself nurtures the devil within himself." — Saint Basil the Great

I woke today suspended between excitement and trepidation. My soul felt the weight of a "potential rebirth," a return to the source through the Eastern Orthodox Church. I wondered: How will this first baptism feel? Will a spiritual awakening wash over me? And if I do not feel an immediate shift, does it mean the sacrament was unsuccessful?

Valley of Fire (2022)

Upon arriving early at our parish, I sought refuge before the icons, praying for a stillness that could quiet my nerves. As the men prepared the font, I began to reflect on the promises I made to our Lord and Savior during my "Life Confession."

I remembered the dark days of 2022, struggling for my life in the Intensive Care Unit. It was there, in my brokenness, that I cried out His name for the first time. I confronted the shadows of my past: self-isolation, gluttony, and a spirit of sloth. For years, I had used food as a sedative for my anxiety, unaware that my inability to forgive—and my lingering demand for apologies that never came—was costing me my physical and spiritual life.

Before finding the "Follower of the Way" and eventually the fullness of the Faith, I lived as a Spiritual Naturalist. In my ignorance of the gravity of sin, I cried out to Jesus: Can He hear me? Am I worthy of His forgiveness? Will I ever find my way home?

I did not know then that my return would not be a triumphant march, but a humble crawl. I returned to the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church not as a victor, but as a woman broken and handicapped by her own choices. I often wonder why I waited until my demons had nearly conquered me to seek Him, but His mercy waited for me nonetheless.

The Wilderness of the Body

ICU 2022 (August 31st-September 2nd)

My release from the ICU in 2022 was a mixture of relief and fear. It was only later that I discovered my chronic suffering—years of vertigo, tinnitus, and intestinal pain—was rooted in Celiac disease. I had previously been dismissed by those who believed people of color were not susceptible to the condition, leaving me to suffer needlessly.

In my confusion, I had replaced nourishment with an endless cycle of supplements and fast food, justifying my habits while my body withered. It took a near-death experience to shatter my self-justification. Through the gentle guidance of my husband, I finally reopened the Holy Scriptures in 2023. Once I began reading, I couldn't stop. The Word of God acted as a mirror, revealing how deeply I had buried my sins under a veneer of "logic."

The Ascent of the Heart

In June 2023, my life underwent a significant transformation. I embraced the discipline of fasting and replaced convenience with the "biblical cuisine" of pomegranates, figs, and olive oil. But the true healing was liturgical.

Homemade organic gluten-free couscous with peas and salmon.

Our search for a spiritual home led us through many doors until, in August 2024, we entered the Russian Orthodox Church. We became fixtures at every Liturgy, Vespers, and Matins. We began to relish the "mental quiet" of the services, finding that the more we surrendered to the Liturgy, the less the world held us in its grip.

I learned that healing begins only when we welcome Christ into the void left by our surrender. As a housewife, I realized that if I could trust my husband, I could certainly trust the Creator of my soul.

Hiking In Washington (2024)

"The mind ascends to god not through the accumulation of knowledge, but through the letting go of all that it knows." - St. Gregory of Nyssa

Illumination

As I waited for the font, my anxieties finally dissolved. On Lazarus Saturday, April 12, 2025, my husband and I were submerged three times in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. With every immersion, the weight of my past seemed to thrash and fade, unable to withstand the presence of Christ.

Baptized & Chrismated on Lazarus Saturday (April 12, 2025)

When we emerged to be Chrismated, I felt an inexplicable lightness—a freedom I had never known. Jesus did not have to answer my prayers in the ICU, yet He did. He chose not to disregard my tears. Today, I am "newly illumined." I continue to repent, not out of fear, but out of a profound love for the One who welcomed me home.

Orthodox Cathedral

"I believe, O Lord, and I confess that Thou art truly the Christ the Son of the Living God Who camest into the world to save sinners, of whom I am first. I believe also that this is truly Thine own Most Pure Body, and that this is truly Thine own Precious Blood." - St. John Chrysostom

— Niketas and Olga ☦️